Christmas Card Messages & Jokes

Are you always stuck on ideas for what to write inside your Christmas cards? We’re the same!

Whether you’re sending a Christmas card out to a load of work colleagues or maybe it’s a special Christmas card for a family member or loved one? Either way, we always purchase a card and then sit there blank minded trying to think of something nice (or horrible) to write inside…

We hope that this Christmas you will be writing something amusing to your recipients instead of something vulgar… Although, something a little rude won’t take things too far…

We all struggle with our Christmas messages, so we thought we would bring together a nice list of some of the best messages you can put in a Christmas card.

Why don’t we start off with the classics?

  • Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
  • Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and happy holidays. (and lots of presents)
  • Hoping you can feel love, joy, and peace this Christmas season.
  • Happy Christmas
  • Merry Christmas with lots of love.
  • The [insert name here] family wishes you and all those close to you a joyous holiday season and a new year filled with happiness

You might be looking at all of these thinking “I have read these messages a hundred times over…”

Exactly, these are considered the boring and generic Christmas wishes. These types of messages make you completely skip the reading just to find out who’s stuffed £10 in the card (if the money didn’t already distract you).

This year we want you guys to be writing the funniest Christmas messages your recipient has ever seen! Make sure they are different and absolutely hilarious!

Boyfriend for Christmas - Funny Christmas Card

Jesus All About Me - Funny Christmas Card










If you’re going to buy one of our funny Christmas cards, we expect you’ll want the message to be as funny as the card? Why don’t you try a couple of these crackers…?

  • I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU but, I could really do with some money
  • For Christmas, I got you pants with an elastic waistline that you can wear through January. You’re welcome.
  • Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of the year. How can I be happy when I have spent all my money on presents for you?
  • People Say Santa isn’t real, where is the proof that he isn’t?
  • So, it’s Christmas again, another extended holiday to drink as much as you can without worrying about going to work and other things that need your sober attention.
  • I’m trying something new this Christmas. I’m going to wrap myself up and sleep under the Christmas tree, so you’ll finally understand what a gift I am to you.
  • I hope the holidays find you in good spirits! And by spirits, I do mean alcohol.
  • If I had to between you and Santa. I’d probably choose you, only for the fact that it’s extremely weird how some old guy breaks into my house to give me gifts. If he wasn’t old, I’d choose him…

There are some hilarious Christmas wishes you could stick in your Christmas card this year. If you do want to write a nice Christmas message but still include something funny in the card somewhere, why not include a joke?

Get your recipient laughing. If they haven’t already cracked up from the card itself.

Here are a few Christmas jokes you could include to liven it up…

  • What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
  • Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
  • Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy.
  • What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
  • What do you call a singing elf with sideburns? Elfis.

Those are some classic Christmas cracker style jokes you could include in your Christmas cards to get your recipient giggling. All of our Christmas jokes & messages have been pretty PG so far. How about we show you some Rude Christmas jokes & messages? We’ll throw in some of our really rude Christmas cards too…

Merry Christmas Midget Dick - Rude Christmas Card

STFU and give me my present - Rude Christmas card









As for rude Christmas messages let’s go with some offensive ones;

  • Happy Christmas you CUNT/TWAT/SHITFACE/DICKHEAD etc. Let your imagination go wild with this one. Just insert any offensive word after Happy Christmas
  • I hope you get fuck all this Christmas because you don’t deserve anything nice
  • You can’t use Christmas as an excuse for your weight gain because you’re already a fat fuck
  • Sorry your present is shit, I spent all my money on alcohol
  • Santa comes once a year, just like you
  • I hate this day, I only got you a fucking card because you always get me one

If you like those, then you probably have the same sense of humour as us. Although, please be careful what you write to certain people. They may take it very badly. You wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas.

We’ll end this blog post with a few despicable Christmas jokes. If you see one you like, do not repeat it to your Grandparents or ANY children!

  • Why does Mrs Claus always pray for a white Christmas? Because she is married to a guy who comes once a year.
  •  How does Santa stay STD free? His motto is –  Always Wrap your package before you shove it down a chimney
  • What’s the difference between male & female Snow people? The Snowmen have snowballs
  • Why does Santa go to strip clubs? To visit all his ho ho ho’s

Female hands write a welcoming Christmas card on a gengerbread and gifts background.

Remember, we have a handwritten card service that helps provide cards & laughs across the land! If you choose the ‘+ Handwrite & Send My Card’ link which is next to every eligible item on its individual listing page you’ll be using our Handwritten Card Service. In the box, you can specify the text you wish us to write in the card you’re buying before adding it to your basket and then we’ll neatly write the card and send it directly to the recipient for you!

We hope you get us writing some belly tickling messages in our handwritten orders!

Our Handwritten card service is extremely useful for if you are running late and wouldn’t have time to write and send the card yourself.

We have hundreds of funny Christmas cards and Rude Christmas cards to match you Christmas messages. Make sure you have a scroll through our wide range.

Until next time!