Christmas Card Messages & Jokes

banner for Christmas messages

Are you always stuck on ideas for what to write inside your Christmas cards? We’re the same!

Whether you’re sending a Christmas card out to a load of work colleagues or maybe it’s a special Christmas card for a family member or loved one? Either way, we always purchase a card and then sit there blankly minded trying to think of something nice (or horrible) to write inside…

We hope that this Christmas you will be writing something amusing to your recipients instead of something vulgar… Although, something a little rude won’t take things too far…

We all struggle with our Christmas messages, so we thought we would bring together a nice list of some of the best messages you can put in a Christmas card.

What to write in a Christmas card?

Why don’t we start off with the classics?

  • Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
  • Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and happy holidays. (and lots of presents)
  • Hoping you can feel love, joy, and peace this Christmas season.
  • Happy Christmas
  • Merry Christmas with lots of love.
  • The [insert name here] family wishes you and all those close to you a joyous holiday season and a new year filled with happiness
  • Wishing you peace, love and laughter this holiday season
  • Have yourself a very merry Christmas… and an amazingly awesome new year!
  • We hope you are surrounded by beauty and comfort this Christmas season.
  • I hope you are reminded of all the most important things in your life this Christmas. Merry Christmas!

You might be looking at all of these thinking “I have read these messages a hundred times over…”

Exactly, these are considered the boring and generic Christmas wishes. These types of messages make you completely skip the reading just to find out who’s stuffed £10 in the card (if the money didn’t already distract you).

Another issue with the generic Christmas messages is, well, they are generic and impersonal.

One way you can personalise these Christmas messages is to make them directed towards family members. This can be done by either mentioning the family member by doing something like this… “Wish a merry Christmas to the best auntie around!” or you could come up with something sweet and meaningful for a family member.

We thought we’d help you out of course!

Christmas Wishes for Family Members

  • You can’t choose your family, but even if you could, I’d still choose you. Merry Christmas! Looking forward to spending some time with you this Christmas.
  • Having parents like you is the best Christmas gift there ever could be.
  • So glad we’re family…and so grateful for all the great Christmas memories we share.
  • We’re going to have so much fun this Christmas! I can’t wait to cook up a storm and then feast like there’s no tomorrow!
  • Your support over the last year has meant the world to me. Thank you for showing me the true meaning of family. Happy Christmas!
  • I’m so thankful to have been blessed with such a wonderful family who I can share this Christmas with!
  • I hold a special place in my heart for my family, the greatest gift of all. Let’s get smashed this Christmas!
  • This time of year, I’m especially grateful for a family like you.
  • I couldn’t hope for more at Christmas than a holiday surrounded by the family I love.
  • Family is what Christmas is all about. So grateful for you!
Family member i am least ashamed to be related too - funny christmas card

Cute Christmas messages don’t you think?

We think they are lovely although, are a little on the wet side… It’s time to head into much more enjoyable waters…

Funny cards are easily the most popular selection in the UK. We absolutely love a good joke! In fact, the UK is well known for having a very unique sense of humour… Other nations just don’t understand some of our jokes.

Therefore this year we want you to be writing the funniest Christmas messages your recipient has ever seen! Make sure they are different and absolutely hilarious!

Funny Christmas Card Messages

If you’re going to buy one of our funny Christmas cards, we expect you’ll want the message to be as funny as the card? Why don’t you try a couple of these crackers…?

  • I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU but, I could really do with some money
  • For Christmas, I got you pants with an elastic waistline that you can wear through January. You’re welcome.
  • Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of the year. How can I be happy when I have spent all my money on presents for you?
  • People Say Santa isn’t real, where is the proof that he isn’t…
  • So, it’s Christmas again, another extended holiday to drink as much as you can without worrying about going to work and other things that need your sober attention.
  • I’m trying something new this Christmas. I’m going to wrap myself up and sleep under the Christmas tree, so you’ll finally understand what a gift I am to you.
  • I hope the holidays find you in good spirits! And by spirits, I do mean alcohol.
  • If I had to between you and Santa. I’d probably choose you, only for the fact that it’s extremely weird how some old guy breaks into my house to give me gifts. If he wasn’t old, I’d choose him…
  • Merry drunk! I’m am so Christmas!
  • Santa saw your Facebook – you’re getting a dictionary this year!
  • I hope your December 25th is amazing this year. If you have an awful day on December 27th, that’s alright. It’s really just the 25th I care about.
  • Merry Christmas to someone who’s definitely not on my “nice” list!
  • Wishing you whatever jingles your bells!
  • Money is scarce, times are hard, but I still managed to get you a Christmas card. So bloody enjoy it!
  • Do you know why this Christmas card is so wonderful? Because it isn’t an email and it isn’t a text.
  • Can I please have your picture so I can show Santa what I don’t want for Christmas?
  • “You can never get too many lynx sets at Christmas” – Donald Trump
  • “My favourite Christmas gift to receive is a pair of socks” – The Queen
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year
Jesus All About Me - Funny Christmas Card
  • There’s snowbody like you, Happy Christmas!
  • Get your fat pants ready, it’s Christmas… oh wait! you’re already wearing them
  • Here’s to a season filled with amazing food and alcohol!
  • This Christmas, may your family be functional and all your batteries be included.
  • Merry Christmas! May your happiness be large and your bills be small.
  • The best thing about the holidays is getting to catch up on sleep and TV shows. Not to forget the food… Enjoy!
  • Why is it so difficult to think of what to write in a Christmas card?
  • I enjoy my time with you at Christmas almost as much as I enjoy my time shopping for your present, which brings me little enjoyment
  • It’s time for our ugly sweaters. It’s Christmas time!
  • The most beautiful part about Christmas is that it’s the last day of all the holiday stress.
  • You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.

There are some funny Christmas wishes you could stick in your Christmas card this year. If you do want to write a nice Christmas message but still include something funny in the card somewhere, why not include a joke?

Get your recipient laughing. If they haven’t already cracked up from the card itself.

Farter christmas -funny christmas card

Funny Christmas Jokes

Here are a few Christmas jokes you could include to liven it up…

  • What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
  • Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
  • Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy.
  • What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
  • What do you call a singing elf with sideburns? Elfis.
  • Why don’t you ever see Santa in the hospital? Because he has private elf care!
  • How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!
  • Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
  • How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!
  • Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!

You can find 100 more Christmas jokes over on I news

Those are some classic Christmas cracker style jokes you could include in your Christmas cards to get your recipient giggling. All of our Christmas jokes & messages have been pretty PG so far.

How about we show you some Rude Christmas messages & jokes? We’ll throw in some of our really rude Christmas cards too…

Rude Christmas Messages

As for rude Christmas messages let’s go with some offensive ones;

  • Happy Christmas you CUNT/TWAT/SHITFACE/DICKHEAD etc. Let your imagination go wild with this one. Just insert any offensive word after Happy Christmas
  • I hope you get fuck all this Christmas because you don’t deserve anything nice
  • You can’t use Christmas as an excuse for your weight gain because you’re already a fat fuck
  • Sorry your present is shit, I spent all my money on alcohol
  • Santa comes once a year, just like you
  • I hate this day, I only got you a fucking card because you always get me one
anything to do with you - rude christmas card

If you like those, then you probably have the same sense of humour as us. Although, please be careful what you write to certain people. They may take it very badly. You wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas.

Rude Christmas Jokes

We’ll end this blog post with a few despicable Christmas jokes. If you see one you like, do not repeat it to your Grandparents or ANY children!

  • Why does Mrs Claus always pray for a white Christmas? Because she is married to a guy who comes once a year.
  •  How does Santa stay STD free? His motto is –  Always Wrap your package before you shove it down a chimney
  • What’s the difference between male & female Snow people? The Snowmen have snowballs
  • Why does Santa go to strip clubs? To visit all his ho ho ho’s
Female hands write a welcoming Christmas card on a gengerbread and gifts background. - What to write in a christmas card

Remember, we have a handwritten card service that helps provide cards & laughs across the land! If you choose the ‘+ Handwrite & Send My Card’ link which is next to every eligible item on its individual listing page you’ll be using our Handwritten Card Service. In the box, you can specify the text you wish us to write in the card you’re buying before adding it to your basket and then we’ll neatly write the card and send it directly to the recipient for you!

We hope you get us writing some belly tickling messages in our handwritten orders!

Our Handwritten card service is extremely useful for if you are running late and wouldn’t have time to write and send the card yourself.

We have hundreds of funny Christmas cards and Rude Christmas cards to match your Christmas messages. Make sure you have a scroll through our wide range.

Until next time!

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