Top 90 Best (or Worst) Christmas Cracker Jokes

Tis the season to be jolly, and all that malarkey. Hence us giving you the 80 of the funniest Christmas cracker jokes we could find.

When it comes to Christmas day some people look forward to different things, some enjoy giving Christmas presents, some enjoy receiving funny Christmas cards and some enjoy the Christmas dinner.

There is one category that is missing there… Christmas cracker jokes!

We absolutely love crossing arms and ripping those crackers. Quick tip for you, if you place your fingers slightly further up on the break of the cracker, you are guaranteed to win your cracker.  

Usually, once everyone has done, you will check out what gift, Christmas cracker joke you received. Then finally placing the oh so famous Christmas hat onto your head…

Choosing the right Christmas crackers can be make or break. We have often made the mistake of buying something cheap and last minute, to find that the gift is a shoddy cheap rubbish mirror. At the end of the day although, it is just a bit of fun and the gift just adds to it!

If you want to find the best Christmas crackers for gifts you can find a brilliant list over at idealhome. Here are a couple they have suggested:

  • Hobbycraft Fillable Crackers– best make your own Christmas crackers
  • Amazon Whitley Neill Gin Crackers – best alcohol Christmas crackers

Read more over on their blog to find many more Christmas cracker options.

Now that we have got that out of the way, we will get to the big event and what everyone wants to see – The top 90 Christmas cracker jokes.

Christmas cracker jokes are the best part of opening a cracker, the excitement to see how cheesy & funny the next joke is going to be is a brilliant feeling.

If you have been affected with the dreaded curse of Crackers without jokes, then you can use our massive list to either create your own or tell them whilst you are around the dinner table.

Let’s jump straight in

Christmas Cracker Jokes

  1. Why was the turkey in the pop group? – Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
  2. What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? – A Stick
  3. Why did Santa’s little helper see the doctor? – Because he had low “elf” esteem.
  4. When do vampires like horse racing? – When it’s neck and neck
  5. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? – A barber-queue
  6. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? – Claustrophobia!
  7. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? – He was picking his nose
  8. What did Santa do when he went speed dating – He pulled a cracker
  9. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? – Neigh-bours
  10. How do snowmen get around? – By riding an ‘icicle
  11. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas – The Mince Spy
  12. What has four legs but can’t walk? – A table
  13. What do frogs wear on their feet? – Open Toad Sandals
  14. Why are pirates called pirates? – Because they arrrrrr
  15. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? – Tinsillitis
  16. What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering? – A nervous wreck
  17. What did 52% of Brits order for Christmas dinner? – No Brussels
  18. What school subject are snakes best at? – Hisssstory
  19. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? – Freeze a jolly good fellow
  20. What do you get if you cross Santa with a Duck? – A Christmas Quacker

A great way to include Christmas cracker jokes in your festivities would be by putting them inside a Christmas card. We beg you, be unique with what you write inside your cards this year!

Please stop with the boring stuff… Check out what to write in Christmas cards if you are still struggling.

Let’s battle on with the rest of our Christmas cracker jokes…

  • What athlete is warmest in winter? – A long jumper
  • What kind of music do elves listen to? – Wrap
  • What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? – A Holly Davidson
  • Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? – Because they were two deer
  • Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? – It’s two-tyred
  • What’s the most popular Christmas wine? – I don’t like sprouts
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? – Frostbite
  • How do you make an octopus laugh? – ten-tickles
  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? – Dam
  • What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? – Lost
  • What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? – Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  • Which country has the largest appetite? – Hungary
  • Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? – Beyon-Sleigh
  • How will Brexit affect Christmas Dinner? – No Brussels.
  • Why did the orange take a prune to his Christmas party? Because he couldn’t find a date.
  • What do you call a blind reindeer? – No eye-deer
  • Do you think Rudolph went to school? – No, he was elf-taught
  • Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? Because they always drop their needles.
  • Why does your nose get tired in winter? – It runs all day
  • What does a frog do if his car breaks down? – He has it toad

How are you finding them so far?

The Best Christmas Cracker Jokes

  • What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees? – Hornaments
  • What has four wheels and flies? – A bin lorry
  • How did Scrooge win the football match? – The ghost of Christmas passed
  • What do you get if you lie under a cow? – A pat on the head
  • What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? – Time to get a new fence
  • Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? – Santa Jaws
  • What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? – He gives them the sack
  • Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars? – Their days are numbered
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads? – Ice caps
  • How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? – He keeps a logbook
  • Why is the school football pitch always soggy? – because the players are always dribbling
  • Who is Santa afraid of? – The Elf and safety officer
  • What is the fastest fish in the world? – A motor pike
  • Why did Micky Mouse travel into space? – He was looking for Pluto
  • What type of room has no windows or doors? – a Mushroom
  • What is an ig? – An Eskimo home without a loo!
  • What do you call a bee with a quiet hum? – a mumble bee
  • How do you keep cool at a football match? – you stand next to a fan
  • What are two rows of cabbages called? – A dual cabbage way
  • What do mice do in the daytime? – Mousework
Christmas crackers

That’s 60 hilariously cheesy Christmas cracker jokes… Not found one that you want to use yet? or maybe you’re loving them so much you can’t get enough?

Here goes the next 30…

  • What do sea monsters eat? – fish and ships
  • What do you call an Eskimo Cow? – an Eskimoo
  • What do you give a dog for Christmas? – A mobile bone
  • Why did the pony have to gargle? – Because it was a little hoarse
  • What did the salt say to the pepper? – Seasons greetings
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? – Because he wasn’t a chicken
  • Why is a foot a good Christmas gift? – Because it’s a great stocking filler
  • What is the wettest animal in the world? – A raindeer
  • What do elves eat for breakfast? – frosted flakes
  • What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree? – Nice gnawing you.
  • What do you call a cat that works for Santa? – Santa claws
  • What reindeer has the worst manners? – Rude-olph
  • What do elves learn in school? – The elf-abet
  • What says Oh Oh Oh? – Santa walking backwards
  • What has eight arms and tells the time? – A Clocktopus
  • Who was the world’s first underwater spy? – James pond
  • Why are cooks cruel? – they beat eggs, whip cream and batter fish
  • Why did the turtle cross the road? – It was the chickens day off
  • What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? – Twerky.
  • How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed? You’ve got three extra hoes.

Rude Christmas Cracker Jokes

  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?
  • Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
    He only comes once a year.
  • Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
    Because his wife was a total flake.
  • Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  • What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs? Whatever you want. He can’t hear you
  • Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
  • Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.
  • Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction.
  • Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.
  • Boy: Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you! Girl: Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck The Hall.

Now how did you find that? That is 90 of our best (or worst) Christmas cracker jokes!

If you have a bit more of a crude sense of humour and the Christmas cracker jokes above seem a little too “tame” for your liking. We have actually already developed a list of rude jokes that you may like… Perfect for our rude Christmas cards.

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