Funny Adult Jokes – 90 Rude Jokes to make you howl with laughter

Shocked man - funny adult jokes -rude jokes

We all love a good laugh, no matter the occasion. As we get old, we start to find the “clean jokes” less funny as we begin to take on a much more adult humour therefore, we begin to prefer funny adult jokes.

We’re not saying you should drop the childish jokes, because we find them absolutely hilarious as well. But as you get older, the adult funny jokes may be the more appropriate and enjoyable option.

The rude jokes we cover in this article:

If you are a bit innocent, then you may not know what is to be expected from an adult joke. Expect sexual jokes and offensive humour. Although we will leave the more disgusting and horrible humour to the darker places of the web…

We prefer things much more cheerful and upbeat!

Our best rude jokes can be used in a number of situations and we think they could work perfectly inside a greeting card, a casual joke to your friend or you could even risk it and use some as pickup lines – so, we will let you decide!

As we enter our huge list of funny adult jokes, we would like to warn you of rude language and a lot of sexual innuendos…

Let’s start off with the short rude jokes, shall we?

Rude greeting cards

Short Adult Jokes

  • Q. Why are men like diapers? A. They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
  • Q. What did one butt cheek say to the other? A. Together, we can stop this shit.
  • Q. What kind of Bees produce milk? A. Boobees
  • Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A. Cover me, I’m going in
  • Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum
  • Q. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
  • Q. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A. Thanks for coming!
  • Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • Q. How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
  • Q. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? A. Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  • Q. What did the penis say to the vagina? A. Don’t make me come in there!
  • Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A. Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
  • Q. I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s/he’s been with. A. She/he said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
  • Q. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. A. Thank you all for coming.
  • Q. They say make up sex is the best… A. Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
  • Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? A. Ask your mum!
  • Q. Whats 72? A. 69 with three people watching.
  • Q. How is sex like air? A. It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
  • Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A. They are both meat substitutes.
  • Q. What comes after 69? A. mouthwash.
  • Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
  • Q. How do you make a pool table laugh? A. Tickle its balls.
  • Q. What does a perverted frog say? A. Rubbit
  • Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
  • Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
  • Q. What do you call an expert fisherman? A. A Master Baiter
  • Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A. Beat it. We’re closed.
  • Q. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A. He only comes once a year.
  • Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A. Lettuce alone without dressing.
  • Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A. To get to the bottom

What do you think of those short rude jokes?

Obviously rude jokes come in all shapes and sizes and we have plenty more to show you… Next up, rude chat up lines…

Sexual innuendos are perfect to randomly say in day to day life or to use as a chat up line but we suggest you be careful with how these are used with people you aren’t too close with. You don’t want to be called the “Office perv” or anything do you?

So please, don’t use these to be weird with people. Use these sexual jokes to make your friends laugh!

So, let’s dive in!

Funny horses - Rude jokes

Rude Sexual Jokes

  • Is your name Tanya? Cuz I’m gonna tan ya ass.
  • Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.
  • I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
  • I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70
  • Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.
  • I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
  • Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.

We’ve updated this list of sexual jokes. 10 just simply isn’t enough, here are 20 more rude sexual pick up lines that you could use in person or via dating apps.

Tinder Rude Chat up lines

Sexual pick up lines

  • Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
  • Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
  • I lost my keys… Can I check your underwear?
  • Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
  • I’m not usually into hunting, but I’d love to catch you and mount you all over my house.
  • I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
  • Baby, I last longer than a white crayon.
  • (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
  • Do you work at Build-A-Bear? Because I’d stuff you.
  • Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.
  • Hello, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink… and then get sexual.
  • Do you want to spice up my sex life?
  • Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
  • You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.#
  • Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70.
  • Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.
  • I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.
  • We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.
  • Do you like jalapeños? Because in no time I’ll be jalapeño pussy.

Although adult jokes are meant for well, adults… We all love a knock knock joke don’t we? No matter the age… Immature yet rude. There is no better mix to get someone giggling…

Rude Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock!
Who's There?
Howie!
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this dead body?
Knock Knock! 
Who's There?
May I come in?
May I come in who?
May I come in you!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana fuck your brains out.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Dover.
Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!
Knock Knock 
Who's there?
Iguana
Iguana Who?
Iguana touch your buttcrack!
Knock knock! 
Whos There?
Phil
Phil Who?
Phil McCrackin
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cam.
Cam who?
Camel toe… do you have any pants I can borrow?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Some!
Some who?
Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some bitch telling you a fucking knock, knock joke!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Asshole!
Asshole who?
Open the door and find out asshole!
Middle finger up! - Offensive jokes

Very Offensive Jokes

We left these offensive jokes until last as these are quite easily our most vulgar out of the bunch. This selection is strictly 18+, and even then, it might be too much for you. Although, because of this, we will not dive into an area of edgy jokes as they tend to cross the line and become highly abusive. Instead, we have this selection which highly some offensive jokes which site just before that line.

  • Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.
  • Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”
  • What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes
  • What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A penis
  • What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file
  • How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it’s gone
  • How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
  • How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
  • What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
  • I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Therefore, to end off our blog on funny adult jokes and give you some of the funniest rude insults you have never heard of before just carry on reading.

These insults could be used on anyone you would like to insult in a brand-new way and who knows it might even get them giggling…?

P.S. we do not support using these in mean or vulgar ways because we don’t want to hurt peoples feeling, so please use them in a jokey way!

Rude Insults

  • Bespawler – Old English word for someone who spits while they talk.
  • Bobolyne – Old English word for fool
  • Mumpsimus – A stubborn person who in spite of being shown it is wrong.
  • Dingbat – A stupid person
  • Bonehead – A stupid person

However, if those are a bit too unique for you don’t worry because you could always just turn back to the ruder insults.

  • Twat
  • Wanker
  • Cunt
  • Fucker
  • Bitch

This list could go on but we are sure you know all of these already!

You can find the full list of old English insults at mentalfloss.

All these funny adult jokes and offensive insults would be perfect to stick inside a rude greeting card because they are just words at the end of the day, don’t you think?

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